CLEARRLY Recovering - Blog #10
I can’t find my keys.
This is not a new event in my life. In the old days, I would have been called absent-minded. Now, I have been given many, many diagnoses.
I have ADD, PTSD, WWE, WWF, CHUD, BVD, KFC, WWI, WWII, LOL, and both Hall & Oates.
I’m a hot mess; I still can’t find my keys.
When you spend 33 years turning your brain into mayonnaise, you should expect some repercussions. I have spent time in 17 rehabs, multiple hospital stays, lived in a two-bedroom Volkswagen in a casino parking lot, put things in my body that were never intended for a body in places that were never intended to have things put in, and I am still here.
I’m here, and I still can’t find my keys.
Why am I here, with the history of self-destruction and relentless pursuit of personal calamity? I don’t know. I can’t answer that with any more confidence than I can tell you what the secret ingredient for Big Mac sauce is, or the strange attraction we have to TikTok, or the guy from that show, “The Bear.” These are mysteries that cannot be answered.
But I am still here, and I still can’t find my keys, and Kody is not.
Kody, Dillon, Taylor, Starns…I have to stop this list. I have to stop because I don’t have enough space to list the people we have lost. I have to stop because these men are not a list; they were God’s perfect creations. These men did not lose a battle to addiction because that is not a fight we win. Addiction is a fight we let God battle, and in our surrender, we are given peace and purpose. These men (and all the other men and women not listed) passed from the same thing we all pass from: our humanity.
I found my keys, but I can’t pick up my friends who are gone. I need to make new friends who need a lift.
I found the actual keys, the ones that unlock ALL of the locks that keep us bound and chained. Why can’t I use them on all the rusted, weathered locks? Why can’t I give them to all my brothers and sisters trapped in metal links of shame and regret? Why did my keys not even work on my locks for so long, and even now, from time to time?
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:6-7
I have empirical evidence that this is true.
I’m not God, regardless of how many times I apply for that position, impersonate Him, and try to fulfill His responsibilities. I'm not Him.
I cannot give peace to others, but I can comfort them.
I cannot give salvation, but I can share mine.
I cannot guard someone’s heart, but I can sit vigil with one.
Love anyway.
Give anyway.
Regardless of the pain, stand alongside anyway.
For Kody and all of God’s most precious creations.
And remember, I can affect my today, I can allow God to mold my tomorrow, but even Jesus doesn’t change the past.